Bisexual people have the capacity to be romantically, sexually, or emotionally attracted to people of more than one gender. That is the whole definition. You do not need a particular ratio of attraction, a specific experience, or any kind of test to qualify. If the label resonates and helps you make sense of your experience, it fits.
This post is for anyone trying to work out whether bisexual might be the right word for them, including people who have wondered about this for years and people who only started noticing last week.
What does bisexuality actually mean?
The term comes from the Greek prefix bi-, meaning “two”, but the modern usage is much broader than “attracted to men and women”. Most contemporary definitions, including those used by Stonewall and major bisexual advocacy organisations, describe bisexuality as attraction to more than one gender, including non-binary people.
Some key points the community has clarified over time:
- Attraction does not have to be equal. You can be more strongly attracted to one gender than another and still be bisexual.
- Attraction does not have to be simultaneous. Some bisexual people experience attraction in phases or by context.
- Attraction does not require experience. You can be bisexual without ever having dated, kissed, or slept with anyone of any gender.
- Bisexuality is not “halfway”. Bisexual people are not “halfway to gay” or “halfway straight”. Bisexuality is its own orientation.
If you have ever felt drawn to people of more than one gender, even if it was brief, even if it was confusing, even if you talked yourself out of it, that is information worth taking seriously.
What are the signs that I might be bisexual?
There is no checklist that diagnoses bisexuality. The label is yours to claim if it fits. But these are patterns people often recognise after the fact:
- You had a strong “best friend” in childhood or adolescence whose attention mattered to you in a way that felt different
- You enjoy fictional or media portrayals of same-gender attraction more than you can quite account for
- You have wondered, more than once, whether you might be queer, and pushed the thought away
- You feel comfortable in queer spaces in a way that goes beyond “ally”
- You find specific people of more than one gender genuinely attractive, not just aesthetically interesting
- You have had a moment (a film, a song, a person) that made you realise you had been not-noticing something
None of these are diagnostic. People who are not bisexual can experience some of them. The deciding question is whether bisexual feels like the right word for what you have noticed in yourself.
What if I have only dated one gender?
Many bisexual people have only dated one gender in practice, often the gender of their long-term partner. This is sometimes called “bi invisibility”, the assumption that bisexual people in same-gender relationships are gay, or bisexual people in different-gender relationships are straight.
You are bisexual based on your capacity for attraction, not your dating history. If you are in a long-term relationship and only realising the bisexual label fits now, you have not been “fake bisexual” for the years you were dating one person. You have been bisexual the whole time.
Do I have to come out?
No. Coming out is optional, and there is no universal right way to do it. Some people find it freeing to name their sexuality publicly. Others prefer to hold it privately. Many people come out selectively, to certain people in certain contexts. Any of these is valid.
If you are thinking about coming out, our How to come out (and whether you need to) post covers the practical considerations.
What if the label doesn’t quite fit?
That is also okay. Bisexual is one term in a wider vocabulary that includes pansexual (attraction regardless of gender), aromantic (little to no romantic attraction), asexual (little to no sexual attraction), demisexual (sexual attraction only after emotional connection), and more. The LGBTQIA+ explainer post covers the full acronym.
Some people find no label fits and prefer not to use one. That is also a complete answer.
Where to next
- Read more on sexuality for further explainers and identity content.
You do not have to have this figured out. Take your time. The label is yours.