Making new friends as an adult takes intention. You’re no longer thrown together with peers the way you were at school or university, and friendships have to be built on purpose rather than by accident. This post is a practical guide on how to start, especially if you’re feeling rusty.
Why is it harder to make friends as an adult?
When we’re younger, we’re placed into shared environments by default: school, university, the local community, sometimes a religious or cultural community. The friends we make there happen partly by proximity and partly by repetition. As adults, those default contexts mostly disappear. The colleagues we see daily are the closest equivalent for many of us.
The good news is that the same disappearance comes with freedom. As an adult, you choose who you spend your time with. Friendships made deliberately can be deeper and better-fitting than the ones we ended up with by accident.
What’s the right mindset for making new friends?
The hardest part is often the internal voice that says no one will be interested, or that you’re past the age for making new friendships. If you start the process expecting it to fail, it usually does.
The most useful mindset is something like: I’m putting myself in places where new connections are possible, and I’m going to be open to what happens. That’s it. You don’t need to be charming, or interesting, or have the right hobby. You need to show up and be open.
Practical tips for making new friends
A small set of moves that consistently helps:
Focus on being open
Try not to overthink every detail of a new friendship or where it might lead. Remain as open as possible to people who don’t fit your usual pattern, and look for common ground rather than perfect alignment.
Make a deliberate list of people you’d like to know better
Maybe it’s an acquaintance you already see occasionally, or someone in your wider network you’d like to talk to more. Choose someone and reach out specifically. The deliberate act of choosing makes the relationship more likely to actually develop.
Accept invitations
We’re all busy, but if someone invites you to something (online or in person), try to go. Reframe it from obligation to opportunity: you’re going to be social and possibly meet new people. Most friendships start with one yes you almost didn’t say.
Try new things
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You may not realise that you really like board games, or Iain M. Banks novels, or talking about gardening until three in the morning. There are limitless possibilities, and there’s almost certainly something you’d love that you haven’t considered. Be open to trying things, and accept that some of them will be disappointing.
Schedule it
Some friendships are evergreen and don’t need much maintenance, just occasional watering. Others need cultivating and effort before they really take. Plan time for the people you want in your life. Adding a friend to a calendar isn’t unromantic; it’s how busy people stay close.
Where can I meet new friends as a queer adult?
For LGBTQIA+ people, finding friends sometimes means finding spaces where you don’t have to translate yourself. A few starting points:
- Queer-led social and interest groups. Book clubs, sports leagues, choirs, community gardens, religious groups: most cities and many towns now have at least one explicitly queer-friendly version. Stonewall maintains a list of LGBTQ+ social and support groups across the UK.
- Online communities. Discord servers, Facebook groups, and Reddit communities for specific queer interests can be a low-stakes way to find people, especially if in-person socialising feels daunting.
- Volunteering. LGBTQ+ charities, Pride event organisers, and crisis lines like Switchboard always need volunteers, and the people you meet tend to share your values.
- Workplace. If there are LGBTQ+ employee networks where you work or study, they’re often a low-effort way to meet people who already understand part of your context.
What if you’re feeling intimidated?
Feeling intimidated is normal. Friendships require commitment, time, communication, and following through on plans. Some friendships require less effort than others; all require some.
It’s also worth remembering that not every friendship lasts forever, and that’s okay. We change as people, and some friendships outgrow themselves. There are billions of people on this planet. There are more potential friends out there than any one life can hold.
Where to next
- Read more on relationships for writing on friendship, dating, chosen family, and connection more broadly.
Originally published 1 May 2023; revised for the new Kalda site, May 2026.