Pronouns are the words people use to refer to you when not using your name. She hurried to catch the train. He loves cats. They have a meeting at 3. Most people don’t think about pronouns because the ones they grew up with fit. For trans, non-binary, and gender-diverse people, pronouns are often one of the most concrete daily reminders of whether the people around them see them accurately.
This post covers what pronouns are, why they matter, and how to handle them well, for your own pronouns and for other people’s.
What pronouns are out there?
The most common English pronouns:
- She/her/hers: traditionally feminine
- He/him/his: traditionally masculine
- They/them/theirs: gender-neutral; can be singular or plural. Has been used as a singular pronoun in English since at least the 14th century
- Neopronouns: newer or less common gender-neutral pronouns including xe/xem/xyrs, ze/zir/zirs, e/em/eirs, and others
Some people use multiple sets (e.g. she/they, he/they, all pronouns), indicating any of the listed pronouns are welcome. Some people use no pronouns at all, preferring to be referred to by name only.
If you are not sure which someone uses, ask. (“Hi, what pronouns do you use?” is a complete sentence and a kind one.)
Why do pronouns matter?
Pronouns matter because they are how language gendered itself. Every time someone refers to you in the third person, they make a small claim about your gender. When that claim matches, you barely notice. When it doesn’t, you absolutely notice.
For trans, non-binary, and gender-diverse people, being consistently misgendered is psychologically harmful. The research is unambiguous: chronic misgendering correlates with higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. Pronouns are small words with significant cumulative impact.
The flip side is also true. Being consistently correctly gendered is an everyday affirmation that doesn’t always feel like much in any single instance but accumulates into something meaningful. Pronouns can quietly hold you together.
How do I share my pronouns?
A few options, depending on your context:
- Verbally, on introduction. “Hi, I’m Daniel, I use he/him pronouns.” Models pronoun-sharing as ordinary for the room.
- Email signature. Add them next to your name. Visible to everyone you correspond with, no need to repeat.
- Display names. Slack, Zoom, social media. Many platforms now have a pronouns field.
- Pronoun pins or badges in physical settings.
- Profile bios. LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram, Discord. Surfaces your pronouns for anyone who looks.
Sharing your pronouns when you’re cisgender helps normalise the practice and makes it easier for trans and non-binary colleagues to share theirs without standing out. If you’re cis and have ever wondered whether to add pronouns to your email signature, the answer is yes.
How do I ask someone else’s pronouns?
The simplest, most respectful approaches:
- “What pronouns do you use?”: direct, clear, doesn’t assume.
- “How would you like me to refer to you?”: broader, also covers names.
- Lead by sharing yours. “I’m Sam, I use they/them, what about you?”
Don’t ask “what’s your preferred pronoun?” The word “preferred” implies preference rather than requirement. Pronouns aren’t preferences, they’re who someone is.
Don’t ask only the people you think might be trans. If you only ask the visibly gender-non-conforming person, you’re singling them out. Ask in contexts where it’s normal for everyone to share.
What if I get someone’s pronouns wrong?
Accidents happen. The repair script:
- Correct yourself quickly. Use the right pronoun and continue.
- Brief apology. One word (“Sorry, she…”) or nothing if you can correct mid-sentence smoothly.
- Move on. Don’t launch into a long apology.
The reason for the brief apology rather than a long one: long apologies shift the emotional load from the person you misgendered to yourself. They turn the moment into one where the misgendered person has to comfort you (“no no, it’s fine”). The most respectful repair is short, sincere, and forward-looking.
Better still: practice the right pronouns when the person isn’t there. Tell stories about your friend using their correct pronouns to yourself, in your head, out loud while walking the dog. Repetition rewires the habit faster than any individual moment of correction.
We have a dedicated post on this: What should I do if I deadname someone? The principles are the same for pronouns.
What about they/them in formal writing?
Singular they is grammatically standard in modern English and recognised by every major style guide (AP Stylebook, Chicago, Merriam-Webster, the Oxford English Dictionary). It has been used in English literature for centuries. The objection that it is “ungrammatical” is not actually grammatical; it’s stylistic preference dressed up as a rule.
In writing about a specific person who uses they/them, just use they/them. Readers adjust quickly.
What if I’m exploring my own pronouns?
Try them out somewhere low-stakes first. Online communities, with close friends, in your own head. See what resonates. You can use different pronouns in different contexts while you figure it out. You can change your mind. You can use one set in your head and another out loud, for as long as you need to.
The right pronouns are the ones that fit. Finding them is allowed to take time.
Where to next
- What is gender dysphoria? for the broader context of how being correctly gendered affects wellbeing.
- What does non-binary mean? for more on identities often associated with they/them and neopronouns.
- What should I do if I deadname someone? for parallel guidance on names.
Pronouns are small. They matter a lot.